Coming Home

Katie looks on as Mason plays DS

And so it has finally come to this -- our last day in China.  We've spent the afternoon packing and discovering that we are actually leaving with less than with what we came.  I don't believe I've taken the time in this blog to espouse my full-on endorsement of "Space Saver Bags" -- you know, that "As Seen on TV" product that vacuum packs your bulkiest clothing?  Space Saver bags work (Mason is a pro -- he managed to condense 40 diapers into a 1" thick layer that lay on the bottom of my luggage) and have made the re-condensation of our clothing fairly easy.

Although it has been a long trip for him, Mason is reluctant to leave this "Platinum 5 Star Hotel," as he does his best to take full advantage of all the luxuries this facility has to offer him.  He has played squash and ping pong, taken steams and saunas, and every morning, indulged in crispy bacon and waffles smothered in whip cream.  He describes our bright and spacious suite as "deluxury" and he is convinced that there will be no hotel in his future that will meet this rich standard.

Indeed, it has been a  nice way to end our trip and it does have a way of making the idea of re-immersion into real life a bit daunting.  Now we'll have to begin figuring out what our life together is going to look like in earnest and I am also taking the time to mourn the change from what life once was.  Tonight, Mason told me that he is angry with me because I still treat him "like a 5 year old -- telling me to wash my hands and say "please" and "thank you" all the time," but mostly he said he is angry because he misses spending time with me that we used to.  I miss him deeply, too, and to hear this from him makes me very sad.  I told him that it will not always be this way -- that we will get to a place where Katie feels more comfortable with her new family and he and I can find ways to carve time for just the two of us.

It is, of course, hard to imagine when that time will actually be-- especially now, when she is screaming on my lap as I write this. She has been screaming for over an hour, unable to recover from a nightmare that shook her awake.  She is, in these moments, a little body possessed -- a completely different person than we see in the day -- frantic and unreachable.  She has a repetitive crying-moan that is at once melodic and grating....it would be a lie to say I don't have moments of feeling overwhelmed by what the next several weeks may look like.  As Aron says, right now, "Mommy is a high chair, carseat, and crib."   -- we have a long way to go.  I guess I'll have to blog about that, too.....  ;0

Translation Please? Venturing Out without a Guide

Shopping at LiWan Plaza ("Up-Down Street") In Guangzhou

Very strong.  Very determined.

I personally do not have the energy required to deal with complicated language barriers right now, but I give Neil a lot of props for fearlessly plunging forward in order to get the results he needs for his family.  Yesterday, he waded into a very popular local Cantonese joint and somehow -- through gestures, pointing at pictures, the useless repetition of key words, and pantomime (i.e. pointing to the door and pretending to walk out to indicate a "to go" meal) -- he managed to order us all a delicious take out meal.

I realize how dependent I've become on our wonderful guides when they are not available to us.  "Aron," our Guangzhou guide, has an excellent grasp of the English language, and she is also incredibly organized, deftly handling the last stages of our paperwork with minimal involvement from us.  Yesterday was the last step in our two week Chinese adventure -- our Consulate Appointment and swearing in ceremony, effectively granting Katie a US visa and citizenship upon deplaning in California. 

I became mildly anxious when Aron handed us a clear plastic envelope containing all of the necessary papers that she had carefully organized and told us that she would not be with us at the appointment.  Because of space restrictions, she would have to wait in the lobby several floors away from us.  There was nothing to worry about, of course.  She had organized our papers perfectly and was with us until the very moment they would not let her through, in fact, effectively body-blocking the crushing crowd behind us so that we could maintain our place in line.  But I still missed her.

Buoyed by this success, we thought we'd follow Aron's advice to take a taxi to Shamian Island to do a little sightseeing and tourist shopping on our own.  Up and until now, "shopping" in both Changsha and Guangzhou has involved our guides leading us to very loud, crowded, commercial strips selling upscale clothing, watches, and jewelry (such as the LiWan Plaza in the picture attached).  We've been eager to find a more relaxed shopping environment so we can find some small trinkets to bring home.  Shamian Island, a man made area that has been historically friendly to adopting families, sounded like the perfect place.  And it was, actually, although it took us two jolting cab rides in commuter traffic (the first cab dropped us off -- disoriented and confused -- in yet another busy, outdoor shopping strip far from our desired destination.  Thank goodness Frunkle Mark pulled out his smartphone to confirm how far off base we were), and unsuccessful communication with hotel staff and strangers on the street, before we finally stumbled upon a Thai restaurant on Shamian Island.  Hungry and dejected, we enjoyed a delicious meal and we were about to give up shopping entirely before we decided to wander a few storefronts down.  Success!  You  might be receiving a little souvenir trinket from me afterall!  ;0

In many instances, the guides serve as translators for the families and their children, as well.  Calla, the 5 year old in our group, for example, would have short conversations with our guide that our guide would in turn, share with her parents.  This has not been so necessary for us --- Tong Tong has a very limited Chinese vocabulary (although she enjoys shouting "Aiya!" at appropriate moments) and has not been interested in communicating with the guides or the random strangers who come up to her and speak to her in Chinese.  Undoubtedly, this will make teaching her English fairly easy, but in the meantime, we struggle through the communication gaps that all parents with young toddlers do.  We have to follow our instincts and make our best guesses.

Yesterday, we were having a great Skype conversation with my parents and while Mark was chatting with them, I was fixing Tong Tong a Cup of Noodles in the background.  Tong Tong followed me about throughout the preparations, but became upset after I poured the water and walked away to let the noodles cook.  She became distraught -- had an all out tantrum where her body stiffened and acted as if she was possessed.  Well, she was possessed, I guess -- by the Hunger Monster.  She was inconsolable for many minutes, but her tears shut down as soon as I waved the noodles under her nose.  I figure Tong Tong would have appreciated a translator at that moment -- someone to tell mommy to speed that food train up.

Chelsea

This trip has taken a toll on everyone, including Frunkle Mark's dog, Chelsea.  Many of you may remember that Chelsea lived with us for several years before moving to the Bay Area to be with Mark and she has always been prone to anxiety.  Chelsea has been deeply depressed since Mark's departure and has refused to eat or drink.  She is receiving IV fluids and Mark's friend Christi has done a wonderful job bearing the brunt of this difficult time.  So for those of you who have been kind enough to send out prayers and goods across the miles, please remember Chelsea, too  ;0

Neil's POV

THE BACK STORY…

Once we met Qing Tong for the first time a little more than a week ago in Changsha and she rebuffed the somewhat typical behavior that many abandoned kids exhibit of rejecting  their new Moms and clinging to the new Dads, it became abundantly clear that my primary role on this trip would be to support Taffany in any way I can. It seems the relief I can provide for her tonight is to fill in as guest blogger. I hope Taffany's growing audience will indulge me a few paragraphs (and the author herself) so that I may offer a pov from the 1^st time adoptive Dad's perspective/experience which in many ways is quite different than the mother's.  I don't think I can match the eloquence of my talented wife's words but I do think I can offer a nice complement to her reporting that may subtly enhance this blog.

First, I need to take you back to a time in our lives a little more than 5 years ago when our perspectives were not at all different. We both believed that providing a brother or sister for Mason was the right thing to do and for no rational reason we both believed that having a biological child was clearly the only way to go. Prior to beginning this long journey that finds us in China we had discussed adoption over the years and though we had much admiration for couples who in many cases literally saved the lives of kids they managed to bring back from war torn regions and dramatically poor 3^rd world locations – it just didn't feel right for us. This probably has something to do with having a great kid like Mason in our lives who from the moment we both met him has brought us nothing but immense joy (ok he was responsible for frying a back up hard drive that I had spent the better part of a week filling prior to our trip - but I can overlook that) and assuming that we could not be as attached to someone else's child as we would be to our own.

 

So with the intention of enriching Mason's life with a sibling we began the fun but sometimes unromantic ritual of scheduling interludes that coincided with Taff's optimal cycle times. We were quite surprised that this didn't work as conceiving Mason was very fast and with no intervention of any kind. After 2 years we found ourselves needing help. So now, ironically our quest for a "natural" child took a most unnatural turn.  We endured 2 years of the most soulless, invasive and emotionally draining techniques that reproductive science has to offer (not to mention spending tens of thousands of dollars) with only one false positive result. We were so elated when the home test revealed that we had finally become pregnant again that we foolishly called my parents to tell them the good news. Can you imagine how shocked we were when Taff's Dr. could not see the baby in the ultrasound? Utterly devastating! I applaud those families that have success with this process because it is not easy and it feels a little wrong – but certainly a successful pregnancy is worth all that. For Taff and I though it was a miserable experience that we would not recommend when other options exist.

So after all that we found ourselves back to square one.  Now the adoption conversation had to be revisited and seriously considered. From my perspective the previous years had been a huge emotional vacuum and perhaps expanding our family was just not meant to be. We have a beautiful, happy, healthy boy and a pretty good life. Lets just lick our wounds and move on. Taff on the other hand never wavered from the family expansion plan and encouraged me to imagine life without my siblings who I adore. Agreed life without my brother and sister would not be as fulfilling but still not all siblings get along and many articles have been written from the position that the growing trend of one child families is not necessarily a bad thing.  Still, the benefits of having a sibling are many and I ultimately could not deprive Mason of this if there was a way to provide it.

I anxiously agreed to begin the adoption process in about December of 2009. In January of 2010 after a thorough background check including multiple finger printings, several visits from a social worker, full financial disclosure, dozens of pages of documents to complete, 10 hours of training and much soul searching we were finally approved by our agency to view files of potential candidates. We decided to look at files for children with "special needs" which greatly reduced the wait time (from a 5 year minimum to less than a year for some lucky families) but for me at least greatly increased the anxiety. I just wasn't sure if I had the capacity to help care for a child with a disability or developmental issue of some kind. Prior to Mason I wasn't sure I could be a good father to a perfectly healthy child so this was really an issue for me. Turns out Taff felt the same way on this and she assured me that many children categorized as "special needs" could have some minor cosmetic issue that can be easily corrected or may even go away over time without treatment.

 It was in either the second or third file we received where we saw Qing Tong's face for the first time. Taffany seemed to know right away that she was looking at her future daughter. I on the other hand was more of the mind that we should be looking through dozens of files to find the perfect match rather than jump on the first file which met our minimum requirements. I suppose I may have been subconsciously looking to put off the inevitable a while longer. The thought of having an infant in the house again was a bit daunting and I was really enjoying our family of 3 the way it was. I quickly learned that files came few and far between and once we had a file we had to decide within 72 hours or lose the rights to that child. That certainly ramped up the pressure a bit and what helped with our decision to pursue Qing Tong was that her special need was a hemangioma under her chin. We knew a little bit about this condition as my cousins daughter was born with a rather serious case and after surgery she looks 100% normal. Qing Tong's case was barely noticeable in the photos we saw and after consulting a Dr. we were assured that this would be a very minor issue. I think I literally held my breath while Taffany told the agency that this was our girl!

Over the next 12 months of waiting for all our ducks to line up I started to really like the idea of giving a child that had very little chance of a life that many of us would consider normal a real shot at one. In a society where a well educated girl such as our Changsha guide Shirley is considered lucky to earn the equivalent of about $600US per year, what chance does an orphan have? Not much I'm afraid. And now, here we are in Guangzhou about 7 days after meeting "Tong Tong" in person for the first time. I can tell you that my concern over not feeling for an adopted child the way I would for a biological one was completely unfounded. It's difficult to compare the feelings I have toward Mason to the feelings I have for Tong Tong. When Mason was Tong Tong's age he was completely enamored with me and that made me feel special. That feeling has only intensified over the years. Tong Tong likes me but doesn't really trust me yet and though I don't have that "special" feeling yet,  I do feel extremely fortunate to have been at least a small part in offering her the potential for a better life. That in and of itself makes me feel special and it is clear that we have done the right thing. This experience has proved to me yet again what you guys already have known for years and years; Taffany is an extraordinary woman with so much to give. I certainly would not be writing to you today were it not for her and I am extremely grateful to be on this amazing journey with her. I also can't say enough about Mason's capacity to balance the carefree life of an 8 year old boy with the new responsibilities of being an older brother. He is an amazing kid and I couldn't be more proud of him. I also need to express my gratitude to Taff's brother Mark who sacrificed 2 weeks of his vacation time to travel ½ way around the world and help out in any way he can. I assure you this is an amazing experience for all of us in many ways but it is NOT a vacation! Thank you all for your encouraging words and thoughts. It really makes this process easier and helps us to know that everything will indeed be ok. In fact just a little while ago Tong Tong fell asleep in Taff's arms without even a whimper – our best night yet! Love to all. Baba.