Neil's POV

THE BACK STORY…

Once we met Qing Tong for the first time a little more than a week ago in Changsha and she rebuffed the somewhat typical behavior that many abandoned kids exhibit of rejecting  their new Moms and clinging to the new Dads, it became abundantly clear that my primary role on this trip would be to support Taffany in any way I can. It seems the relief I can provide for her tonight is to fill in as guest blogger. I hope Taffany's growing audience will indulge me a few paragraphs (and the author herself) so that I may offer a pov from the 1^st time adoptive Dad's perspective/experience which in many ways is quite different than the mother's.  I don't think I can match the eloquence of my talented wife's words but I do think I can offer a nice complement to her reporting that may subtly enhance this blog.

First, I need to take you back to a time in our lives a little more than 5 years ago when our perspectives were not at all different. We both believed that providing a brother or sister for Mason was the right thing to do and for no rational reason we both believed that having a biological child was clearly the only way to go. Prior to beginning this long journey that finds us in China we had discussed adoption over the years and though we had much admiration for couples who in many cases literally saved the lives of kids they managed to bring back from war torn regions and dramatically poor 3^rd world locations – it just didn't feel right for us. This probably has something to do with having a great kid like Mason in our lives who from the moment we both met him has brought us nothing but immense joy (ok he was responsible for frying a back up hard drive that I had spent the better part of a week filling prior to our trip - but I can overlook that) and assuming that we could not be as attached to someone else's child as we would be to our own.

 

So with the intention of enriching Mason's life with a sibling we began the fun but sometimes unromantic ritual of scheduling interludes that coincided with Taff's optimal cycle times. We were quite surprised that this didn't work as conceiving Mason was very fast and with no intervention of any kind. After 2 years we found ourselves needing help. So now, ironically our quest for a "natural" child took a most unnatural turn.  We endured 2 years of the most soulless, invasive and emotionally draining techniques that reproductive science has to offer (not to mention spending tens of thousands of dollars) with only one false positive result. We were so elated when the home test revealed that we had finally become pregnant again that we foolishly called my parents to tell them the good news. Can you imagine how shocked we were when Taff's Dr. could not see the baby in the ultrasound? Utterly devastating! I applaud those families that have success with this process because it is not easy and it feels a little wrong – but certainly a successful pregnancy is worth all that. For Taff and I though it was a miserable experience that we would not recommend when other options exist.

So after all that we found ourselves back to square one.  Now the adoption conversation had to be revisited and seriously considered. From my perspective the previous years had been a huge emotional vacuum and perhaps expanding our family was just not meant to be. We have a beautiful, happy, healthy boy and a pretty good life. Lets just lick our wounds and move on. Taff on the other hand never wavered from the family expansion plan and encouraged me to imagine life without my siblings who I adore. Agreed life without my brother and sister would not be as fulfilling but still not all siblings get along and many articles have been written from the position that the growing trend of one child families is not necessarily a bad thing.  Still, the benefits of having a sibling are many and I ultimately could not deprive Mason of this if there was a way to provide it.

I anxiously agreed to begin the adoption process in about December of 2009. In January of 2010 after a thorough background check including multiple finger printings, several visits from a social worker, full financial disclosure, dozens of pages of documents to complete, 10 hours of training and much soul searching we were finally approved by our agency to view files of potential candidates. We decided to look at files for children with "special needs" which greatly reduced the wait time (from a 5 year minimum to less than a year for some lucky families) but for me at least greatly increased the anxiety. I just wasn't sure if I had the capacity to help care for a child with a disability or developmental issue of some kind. Prior to Mason I wasn't sure I could be a good father to a perfectly healthy child so this was really an issue for me. Turns out Taff felt the same way on this and she assured me that many children categorized as "special needs" could have some minor cosmetic issue that can be easily corrected or may even go away over time without treatment.

 It was in either the second or third file we received where we saw Qing Tong's face for the first time. Taffany seemed to know right away that she was looking at her future daughter. I on the other hand was more of the mind that we should be looking through dozens of files to find the perfect match rather than jump on the first file which met our minimum requirements. I suppose I may have been subconsciously looking to put off the inevitable a while longer. The thought of having an infant in the house again was a bit daunting and I was really enjoying our family of 3 the way it was. I quickly learned that files came few and far between and once we had a file we had to decide within 72 hours or lose the rights to that child. That certainly ramped up the pressure a bit and what helped with our decision to pursue Qing Tong was that her special need was a hemangioma under her chin. We knew a little bit about this condition as my cousins daughter was born with a rather serious case and after surgery she looks 100% normal. Qing Tong's case was barely noticeable in the photos we saw and after consulting a Dr. we were assured that this would be a very minor issue. I think I literally held my breath while Taffany told the agency that this was our girl!

Over the next 12 months of waiting for all our ducks to line up I started to really like the idea of giving a child that had very little chance of a life that many of us would consider normal a real shot at one. In a society where a well educated girl such as our Changsha guide Shirley is considered lucky to earn the equivalent of about $600US per year, what chance does an orphan have? Not much I'm afraid. And now, here we are in Guangzhou about 7 days after meeting "Tong Tong" in person for the first time. I can tell you that my concern over not feeling for an adopted child the way I would for a biological one was completely unfounded. It's difficult to compare the feelings I have toward Mason to the feelings I have for Tong Tong. When Mason was Tong Tong's age he was completely enamored with me and that made me feel special. That feeling has only intensified over the years. Tong Tong likes me but doesn't really trust me yet and though I don't have that "special" feeling yet,  I do feel extremely fortunate to have been at least a small part in offering her the potential for a better life. That in and of itself makes me feel special and it is clear that we have done the right thing. This experience has proved to me yet again what you guys already have known for years and years; Taffany is an extraordinary woman with so much to give. I certainly would not be writing to you today were it not for her and I am extremely grateful to be on this amazing journey with her. I also can't say enough about Mason's capacity to balance the carefree life of an 8 year old boy with the new responsibilities of being an older brother. He is an amazing kid and I couldn't be more proud of him. I also need to express my gratitude to Taff's brother Mark who sacrificed 2 weeks of his vacation time to travel ½ way around the world and help out in any way he can. I assure you this is an amazing experience for all of us in many ways but it is NOT a vacation! Thank you all for your encouraging words and thoughts. It really makes this process easier and helps us to know that everything will indeed be ok. In fact just a little while ago Tong Tong fell asleep in Taff's arms without even a whimper – our best night yet! Love to all. Baba.